Day 10, Part 2

What a fantastic day! 

The lunch at the pub went really well. I had about 4 lime and sodas, then drove the children home leaving H (husband) to stay and have a few pints with his friend in peace. Amazingly, once I got back, I managed to get to grips with my fractions for tomorrow very quickly, and bizarrely, I feel confident in my ability to teach maths to my class tomorrow. That rarely happens!

Having dropped our friend back at York station, I went for an induction at the gym - my replacement for wine. The technology there is incredible, I went for a jog through Auckland, simply by running on a treadmill and looking at a screen! I feel like a new woman. 

Bedtime now - sober and ready to be fresh in the morning. I'll leave you with a joke we talked about over dinner.

Man in a wheelchair: Just because I'm disabled, doesn't mean I can't have fun and take risks. I had a blind friend once, he was mad, he used to do all sorts! He once went on a parachute jump!

Man's friend: A parachute jump!? Oh my word, was he ok?

Man in a wheelchair: Yes, he was fine..... but his guide dog shit himself!

Good night and good sober thoughts to one and all,

Zx

Day 10

Woo hoo! Sunday morning, day 10 and I'm still not a mess!

If anything, I'm more together than when I started writing last night. 

Here goes:

I've always been a big drinker. From the age of 16, I drank heavily at weekends out with friends and my parents always encouraged me to drink to relax and enjoy myself. I suppose I just learnt from them that it was the 'adult' thing to do. I gave up drinking through all three pregnancies, but it never felt normal. I think that pregnancy is such an altered state to be in that I never felt what it was like to be truly sober - it was like a wall, masked by the sickness and tiredness. A massive hangover without any of the booze, but with a little bundle of joy at the end of it..

I had my youngest daughter almost five years ago, and I have been hammering the alcohol ever since. I've performed badly at work, done things that I'm ashamed of, done things that are out of character and I really don't know what kind of a person I am any more. It has all been disguised through a mist of inebriation.

This year, there have been some sinister rumblings in my life. We knew we were likely to have to move house, I knew that, for financial reasons, I would have to return to teaching, a job in which I have had some horrible experiences, and I have spent a small portion of the year caring for my elderly grandma who lives in Whitby. She's really deteriorating. A staunch Catholic, she started soaking the bread with Holy Water while I was out, then shitting on the floor! When my Aunt (her daughter) came to visit, she leaned over with wild conspiratorial eyes and said, "I think there's something wrong with Zara! She's been spraying Holy Water everywhere and making the sign of the cross!" 

My parents are going up to Whitby today to visit her in hospital, she's apparently very poorly and I must try and get to see her next weekend. This may prove difficult because of my other Grandma!

On 6th September of this year, everything came to a head. The house move was booked and I was starting a new teaching job on the same day (so the in laws had come to move us - result! Sadly, that very same weekend, my other Grandma who until then had lived down South with my uncle, came to visit my mum in our village, fell and broke her hip. 

Through fate or God's will or whatever you like to call it, we had moved into a bungalow adapted for the disabled, so Grandma has come to live with us full time! 

My life at the moment is like a British comedy; One Foot in the Grave or The Royale Family. But at least I am viewing  it through calm, sensible and sober eyes.... long may it continue!

Today, we are meeting my husband's friend for Sunday lunch in the village pub. Once upon a time, I would have started drinking at the pub, continued into the evening and woken up anxious and unprepared for work Monday morning. Today, I will drink lime and soda in a wine glass, go to the gym and then spend this evening, learning how to do fucking fractions!

Let's see how that goes!

Zx 

Inside Number 9

My name is Zara, and for the first time in months, I am not a mess. 

I haven't had a drink in 9 days and that in itself is a miracle. 

I am shattered, having been woken by my Grandma swimming out of bed in the small hours of this morning. I am bored as it is 11.30pm on a Saturday night and I feel like I should be out dancing. I am anxious as I know that on top of all the domestic stuff I have to do tomorrow, I have to teach myself how to add, subtract and multiply fractions in order to teach it to my class of Year 5/6 pupils on Monday morning. However, I am not a mess, I am sober, and I am sure that this time tomorrow I will be more on top of things.

I need to sleep. My bungalow is like a cute little caravan cottage and the rain is braying on the roof, making my eyes heavy. 

Tomorrow I will come back and tell you my story, but for now, go in peace, both of us safe in the knowledge that for tonight... I am not a mess.

Zx