First Sober Function

Later this week is my first sober function, dinner at a restaurant near work. I've set myself up to succeed by offering to be Des for several colleagues and I am looking forward to going to a works do, safe in the knowledge that I will not leave having made a massive fool of myself!

To be honest, I don't think I've ever made a true dick of myself at a work function. The last big one that I went to a few years ago, the rest of the staff did a job far better than I did in creating a night to remember. I worked at a different school in those days and certain staff members were a bit wild, including the Deputy Head. 

It was a retirement party and so we went to a sedate bar (a foody pub, really) in town and had a bite to eat. Then we took over the back room; as the retired folks left and the drinks flowed, a very lively Deputy (we'll call her Mrs B) started encouraging a very young NQT that it would be a good idea to take her clothes off in order that she could be photographed being whipped by other members of the staff. I was appalled as the poor NQT was obviously confused and so drunk she didn't even realise what she was doing. I called her a cab.

Having been persuaded to leave the NQT alone (the NQT was reluctantly poured into a taxi home), Mrs B (a stunning looking lady in her early forties) started pretending to drop things so she could bend over and pick them up. At first I couldn't understand why she was doing this, but I eventually realised that a group of young men had entered the room and were paying a bit more attention to another female member of staff than they were to her. I also realised very quickly the absence of Mrs B's knickers and the show she was giving to these guys every time she bent down! Believe it or not, there were actually parents of children that attended the school on this night out and governors witnessing all this! You'll be pleased to know that Mrs B had waxed for the occasion. I didn't look closely myself but I have it on good authority that she was freshly Brazillianed!

Just when I didn't think things could get much worse (remember, I'd had a skinfull too but I was still pretty horrified) we left the bar to find a taxi and she decided she needed the loo. She simply lifted up her dress and pissed all over the the Shambles as she walked along!

Anyway, I can't see this week's night out being like that. And if it is, I'm driving so it'll not be me urinating in the street. I'm sure I could write an Alan Bennett style monologue based on that night out:

 A Piss on the Cobbles
Zara: "Fancy that!" said Mother. "Who'd have thought it? A piss on the Cobbles! In the Shambles. Now, down Stonebow it's only to be expected!"

I find it so funny. I've spent all these days working on looking after myself, being sober, exercising and eating right yet there are two things pressing on my mind: 

1. My chin is still Whitehead City - my normally clear skin painfully breaking out - possibly searching for alcohol and cigarettes... or crack cocaine... (I'm joking!!) 

2. Despite all this hard work and self care, I just can't wait until I can have an alcoholic drink!

It's ludicrous! I feel so much better, I'm sleeping well, I'm not anxious any more, I'm actually enjoying working - I'm not just fighting through hung over and desperately trying to get to the end of the day any more. I like being there.

I just want to feel fun and like me. To tell you the truth I know that alcohol is a liar because I never felt fun or like me when I was drinking either, but on some level I thought I did!

Any advice appreciated

Zx