So, what's missing?

I've been up all night with vomiting children and so, another day off work for me. This is quite scary because in the past, being off for the day has been an excuse to go the shop, buy alcohol and then sit and drink it alone in front of the television.

Of course, 26 days in, I'm not going to do that although, I did have a dream last night that that is exactly what I did and I woke up feeling like I was still a drinker.

What intrigues me is the science of addiction. I know a girl who has been in hospital for over a year with anorexia. It's all she wants to talk about when we go and visit her, she really is in love with the disease. She says that she hates it, but she says that even though she doesn't understand it, she's not ready to let it go just yet. But it is killing her!

My drinking was the same for me. Every day I'd say that I would stop, yet by the evening I'd feel that I would "treat" myself one more time. It really was sickening. There would be days when I would drink so much that I physically couldn't drink any more. I'd sit there thinking, "I can't drink any more, I'm wasted - so where do I go from here? What did I do this for? I feel like shit..." and so on. So what was I looking for? What are all drinkers looking for in the bottom of a bottle? What's missing?

I've just read the Head and Heart post from Wine Bitch and I think she's talking a lot of sense. Perhaps when head and heart are in sync, the need for our addiction lessens. Sobering stuff. I think part of my problem is that I'm beyond knowing what my head and my heart feel or want. Perhaps I could spend today meditating on that...

Oh, and of course wiping sweaty brows and clearing up sick!

Have a fantastic sober day everyone! Spare a thought for me, I have Amazon Prime and Now TV so any box set marathon recommendations greatly appreciated!

Zx